Earned Secure Attachment


You are not doomed to your attachment style. Knowledge is the first step. What are your patterns? Do you manage to pull away or smother? Being realistic with yourself and your partner is essential. Second, it’s necessary to manage your relationship as a support and improve it as a secure base. Researchers say people who develop their attachment style are creating an “earned secure attachment.” This means:


Avoiding solid relationships. Repeated break-ups, fights, or roller coaster emotions will ruin your fortunes at moving to a secure style.

Thinking in growth. There is no such thing as a complete relationship or a perfect partner. The more we know that we can grow into more profound and deeper love, the more energy we put into a relationship.

Seeking secure partners. If you are seeing for your perfect partner, it is important to remember how they attach. Anxious and Avoidant attachers can seek out secure attachers to become more secure themselves.


The Secure Base


Your relationship can be a home base, a touchstone, a foundation for you. In the right relationship, you seek out a pleasant and loving mutual relationship. 


Fearful Attachment (1-5%):


This also is called ‘disoriented’ or ‘disorganized’ attachment. These children seemed to volley between desperately needing their parents and pushing them away. People with this kind of attachment live in an ambivalent mindset where they swing from being afraid of connection to overanalyzing the equality or depth of their relationships. They tend to get overwhelmed easily and have unpredictable moods. At one moment they can extinguish their partner, and at the next, they can disappear for a day or two without reason.

Have you ever think you date the same type of person again and again? This might not be your thought or accident. It could be Attachment Theory at work, which states we all have a particular attachment style. This Attachment Style Quiz will reveal if you are Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, or Fearful.

What is Your Attachment Style?

We attach to the people around us. We connect to parents, partners, kids, and friends. The study has determined we typically have an attachment style – we attach with people in the identical pattern again and again. Our attachment style can be a scary predictor of our relationship achievement. Our patterns of attachment typically are fixed in childhood and direct to follow us around wherever we go.

Your Parents Significantly Affect Attachment Style

I hate to say it, but your parents have a moderately big hand in how you compare to, pick, and relate with your romantic partners. These all began with an interesting analysis done in the 1960s by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby and Ainsworth put kids and parents through what’s called the “Strange Situation” quiz.

Based on how the child responds, they were distributed into four classes expressing their attachment to their parent–these are the 4 attachment styles. Researchers understand you hold these attachment styles during your life and reproduce them with partners, kids, and friends.

The 4 Attachment Styles

Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan received the parent-child analysis and implemented it in romantic relationships. Here is an illustration of each style and what percentage of the group performs it.

Attachment Style  Quiz


Avoidant Attachment (23%):


Avoidant attachers manage to be emotionally separate from their partners. Avoidant attachers take satisfaction in their self-sufficiency and can see affection as a defect. They like to treat emotions on their own and don’t like to share vulnerabilities with anyone other. Unluckily, they manage to pull away when they need guidance most. They are not as alert as their partners because they worry they will become too co-dependent, and this will take away their freedom. They also can shut down emotionally during discussions or close themselves off from feelings.

Secure Attachment (62%):


Securely connected people manage to be light worried and happier with their relationships. The children who were securely attached were happy to explore and take toys back to the parent. In other words, their parent was a sort of support they could explore around and come back to. Securely attached people have a natural time forming attachments and have less uncertainty regarding the balance of the relationship. They also have a more relaxed time reaching out for relief.

Anxious Attachment (15%):


People who anxiously attach tend to disturb more about their relationships. They are said to feel an ’emotional hunger’ and are extreme for a daydream type of love. Unlike securely connected people, people with an anxious attachment lead to be careless to form a fantasy connection of perfect love–even when this might not be desirable or returned. They manage to see for a partner who can release them or ‘complete’ them. Unluckily, their pain sometimes can push away the specific person they want closeness with. When they are scared of losing their partner, they can become clingy, possessive, paranoid, or require continuous attention.